Short Adventures with the Akatsuki
by ShadowJackal35
Summary: So what do the Akatsuki, infamous group of Naruto, do when they're off camera? Read and you'll find out the weird and rather hilarious adventures the Akatsuki go on in "Short Adventures with the Akatsuki"! I'm sure it'll give you a laugh or two!T-swearing
1. Dinner with the Akatsuki

A/N: well, this was the story that started it all. The series, I mean. It started when my "twin" and I were fooling around and this idea came to us. "What if, we ate dinner with the Akatsuki?" we came up with some pretty wild ideas. Next day, when I got home from school I started this story, and it became "Dinner with the Akatsuki". I think it's about 1 or 2 years old right now, and it had to go through some pretty hard core editing before I decided to re-post it on and DA so... And now, I present to you-

**Dinner with the Akatsuki**

It was 8 o' clock at night and the infamous members of the Akatsuki were sitting around an oval shaped table quietly, picking at the various foods on their plates.

Konan sighed uncomfortably as she began, "So, Sasori... Work up an appetite after today's mission?" She picked at the salmon on her plate, Kisame glaring at her.

"I might have, but then again, I don't know. I can't feel hunger. I haven't any emotions," he said monotonously.

"S- sorry, um.. Zetsu, could you pass the carrots?"

"No." Replied both sides of Zetsu's face in unison. "What did the poor carrots do to deserve being eaten?" asked the white face.

Itachi and Zetsu then glared at each other, Zetsu ate Itachi's least favorite food, steak,and Itachi was eating Zetsu's least favorite food which is salad with cabbage.

"Zetsu, it is ridiculous to eat another living thing..." Itachi said, trailing off and taking a large bite of cabbage.

"Itachi, if it is so ridiculous to eat another living thing, why eat a plant? It's living too." Zetsu's white side remarked.

"And anyways, I would much rather eat some nice fish, preferably soup... But it's been hiding from me," The black face said, as both eyes turned to look at Kisame, who gulped nervously.

Tobi was happily munching at some sweets in a bowl, watching Deidara as Deidara had both of his hands in bowls of soup, and Deidara's face dropped in a bowl of noodles as the mouths on his hands and face ate their food.

Hidan was violently stabbing at his beef, while Kakuzu tried to steal some French fries from him when Hidan exclaimed angrily, "Oh damn, who cooked this crappy meat? It's freaking raw. Who the hell made it? It's ridiculous." He dropped an f- bomb but stopped once he got a cold glare from Kakuzu.

"I made it, and I only made it 'cuz I was paid," Kakuzu muttered dangerously low.

Pain sat at the head of the table, just watching everyone quietly, "Who's idea was this again? To all "eat" together?"

"Oh oh! Tobi knows Tobi knows!" Tobi cheered.

"Um... okay.. Tobi."

"Yeah... who's stupid idea was it to do this?" Kisame grumbled to Tobi.

"Mine." Tobi said, grinning as if this were the best idea in the world.

"Oh.. uh... Sorry?" Kisame began to rapidly eat the small can of shrimp on his plate. As Tobi continued to munch happily at his "dinner", which was really a bowl of sweets.

"Deidara, Deiadara, wanna see a new trick I can do?" Tobi asked excitedly.

"No un." Deidara replied flatly. "And that's Deidara- SAMA to you!"

Tobi ignored him as he threw into the air one of Deidara's bombs shaped as a cat. Deidara jumped up, catching the bomb before it dropped to the floor, he sighed in relief; then sat down into his chair again, meeting the whoopee cushion sitting on his seat.

_PFFFT! _The prank toy made its usual farting noise and the room went silent.

Tobi was the first to start laughing madly; then the rest of the group joined in.

Deidara blushed as he said, "Why you cheeky little-" he jumped out of his seat, Tobi also rushing up, as Deidara began to chase Tobi around the dining room. Deidara began to screech various threats like "Once I catch you, so help me, I will set a bomb to explode in your bedroom while you sleep 'un!" or, "Better watch out you brat, or you're gonna wake up one day under water 'un!"

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi yelled as well.

And so ends the uncomfortable dinner, and hope fully a better relationship between the Akatsuki members. Although... Pain doubted that anything good would come from Tobi and Deidara.


	2. A Christmas Carol Akatsuki Style

A/N: Hey again! Thi, I think, was the second story I came up with after "Dinner with the akatsuki" (which, surprisingly, became popular quite fast. ^-^; Anyways, this was another idea that appeared to me after hanging out with my "twin". Actually, I included her in this chapter. Her user name is "Aesir" (well, half of her username) on DA and the original story, I had used her real name but since I decided to post it on some pretty popular websites, I decided that I should just use part of her username as a censor... Thing... So, anyways, it was near Christmas around the time I think, but then again, I can't really remember since it's kind of old... ^_^;; So, anyways, enjoy! XD

**The Akatsuki Play in "A Christmas Carol" **

"WHAT THE HELL?" Hidan shrieked angrily.

Pein winced as he repeated, "Yes, we recieved a fan letter from a girl who signed "Aesir", a request for us to play "A Christmas Carol.""

"When will she come?" Hidan asked as his eyes twitched.

"Right... About now..."

Suddenly, an Asian girl popped into the room in a red cloud of smoke.

"What a dramatic entry," Hidan commented, suddenly impressed.

"Yo! So, you're going to play "A Christmas Carol" I'm comin' up with the parts an' stuff so bye!" The girl exclaimed, then rushed out of the room.

"Cool entry, lame exit."

Pein shook his head in disapproval at his group member.

"What? It's true!" Hidan exclaimed.

"This will be a long play..." Pein said warily.

As the fan girl named Aesir rushed down the hall she accidentally bumped into someone.

"Watch it you f*cking retard!" She was about to list off more swears when she looked up and met the red eyes of none other than Itachi Uchiha.

She gasped as she squealed, "ITA- kun!"

_Oh no, another obsessed fan chick! _Itachi thought panicked. _Take cover! _

"Uh, h-hello..." Itachi stuttered, already beginning to inch away from the scene.

"Like, OH MY GOD! IT'S ITACHI!"

"Um... Yes... Yes I am... And you are..."

"Don't tell me you've forgotten my name... HAVE YOU?" Aesir asked in a dangerously sweet voice. Itachi cowered compared to her, as her form grew taller and he shrunk to a chibi.

"Um.. N-no, o-of course not. You are... Aesir- chan?" he asked, his voice a bare whisper.

"Good..."

"Um, s-so where are you heading?"

"To the stage I'm handing out all the parts."

"I'm going to the stage too..."

" Well then, let's go!" She grabbed him by the sleeve and basically dragged him to the stage.

"Ugh... where the hell is the "director" Anna or something like that?" Sasori asked in a monotone voice, he hated waiting, and he had a pile of puppets that needed to be worked on in his room.

"Almost here un'." Deidara replied. "Oh, just a reminder, she goes by the name "Aesir" and I've heard that she has a nasty temper that tends to get out of hand if you call her anything else... Yeah..."

"I don't like to keep people waiting like this... And do you really think I care?"

Deidara shrugged.

"Tobi think this will be fun!" Tobi said enthusiastically.

"I hope I won't look like a freaking idiot on this probably screwed up play. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!" Hidan cried, looking up to the at the ceiling and clasping his hands, as if he were praying to "Jashin".

"I'll only do this if I'll get paid." Kakuzu remarked to Konan, who obviously ignored him.

"This'll be fun." Zetsu's black side said sarcastically.

"Yeah! Believe it!" Zetsu's other half replied.

"This is just awful..." Konan said, placing her hand on her forehead in failure.

"Hi everyone!" shouted Aesir, throwing the doors open. "I've got your parts." She handed out huge stacks of paper, watching everyone's expressions.

"Tobi is a lamp post!" Tobi said happily, though a large sweat drop slid down behind his head.

"I'm a snowflake? AND THE DEAD FRIEND?" Deidara shrieked unhappily.

"WHAT? I'M A FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE?" Zetsu cried, he grew the leaves at his side around him so it covered his face. Muffled voices could be heard, as Zetsu spoke to himself.

"I'm the awesome rich guy Scrooge," Said Kakuzu, obviously proud.

"Eh? I'm the ghost of Christmas present?" Konan said in surprise.

"Can Tobi be your present Konan- chan? Tobi wants a present Tobi wants a present!" Tobi said.

"I'm ghost of Christmas past..." Pein muttered to himself.

"I'm definitely gonna look like a freaking idiot," Hidan moaned, slapping his forehead. "I'm the ghost of Christmas future damn it."

Sasori sighed, "My part isn't too bad I guess... It's not like I'm on stage, all I do is control the puppets."

"I'm that guy that works for Screw. I mean, Scrooge! I think his name is Joe Crochet. No sorry I mean Bob Cratchet!" kisame said awkwardly.

Everyone looked at Itachi quietly waiting for him to share his part. He looked up quietly.

"I'm an angel!" he said, enthusiastically, studying Aesir's reaction carefully.

Deidara looked at Aesir in confusion.

"What I think he's cute enough to be an angel. Got a freaking problem with that?"

"N-no?" Kisame stuttered.

"Okay good let's start practicing!" Aesir smiled threateningly, as shadows crept behind her giving an scary and intimidating appearance to her.

~~~~~~ 2 weeks later~~~~

"Eww I hate Thanksgiving!" Kakuzu shouted.

"Christmas you idiot!" Aesir hissed to him behind the red curtain that hung at the side of the large stage.

"Yes Christmas!"

"But why Mr. Screw? I mean Scrooge!" Kisame asked, the brown sideburns slipped off his blue ace, and he rushed to stick them back on.

"Cuz everyone expects me to spend cash to get stuff fer them." Kakuzu replied.

"But Easter is wonderful!"

"CHRISTMAS!" Aesir hissed again. She slapped her forehead and swore under her breath.

"Whatever." Kakuzu said, he turned and began to walk down the stage to the "outside" set of stage

Kakuzu walked past the place where Tobi the lampost was supposed to be, but Tobi was missing since Deidara was busy strangling Tobi for the trick he had pulled on Deidara when they all had dinner together (remember remember? :))

Kazuku walked past Zetsu the Christmas tree and Aesir then throws Deidara from the ceiling, who was wearing a dress that was supposed to look like a snowflake, but resembled the likes of a cotton candy puff more than anything. "Ow... I'm alright 'un!" he called back.

Kakuzu ignored him as he walked past random puppet people controlled by Sasori from the balcony overhead.

He then walks past- "Oh CRUD WHEN THE HELL AM I COMING IN?" Hidan yelled.

"Shut up!" Aesir yelled back. "Just keep going dammit!"

Kazuku sighed, "I'm sure nothing eventful will ever happen to me. I bet no ghosts will come and visit- OH CRAP A GHOST!"

Deidara appears popped onto the stage in a cloud of gas as he coughed and sputtered, "Yeah well you'll be visited by three weird and deranged ghosts tonight so have fun." he coughed as he tried slapping the smoke away.

He disappeared.

"Whatver. OH CRAP ANOTHER GHOST!" Kakuzu yelled.

"Yeah... I'm the ghost of Christmas past nice to meet you I'm gonna show you some stuff."Konan said as she too appeared in a cloud of smoke. She wore a white dress with a strange green tinge to the cloth, as she whipped out a paper made kunai. "That was your Christmas past good bye now..."

Aesir slapped a hand to her forehead, and sighed in aggravation.

Pein and Itachi comes then appeared and Pein said in a monotone voice, "Hello, I'm ghost of Christmas present and this is my side kick Ita- I mean... The sweet angel from above."

Itachi was wearing a ridiculous dress that was all white and had a yellow (spray painted gold but instead changed to a sick shade of yellow) halo. "Hi..." he said lamely.

"That's it nice to meet you..."

Finally Hidan comes with his scythe and shouted dramatically, "FEAR ME BOI! FOR YOU SHALL DIE NEXT CHRISTMAS AND- OH CRAP IT! SCREW THIS STUPID PLAY I'M LEAVING! THIS WAS A FREAKING WASTE OF TIME!"

"Yeah 'un..." Deidara said, still stuck in the snowflake costume .

"BUT BUT TOBI HASN'T GONE YET!" Tobi started to sob.

"Awww Tobi I'm so... NOT GONNA CARE!" Aesir shouted at him, she punched him hard in the shoulder. If anyone, he was the one Aesir hated most.

In about 2.2 seconds, the whole room had been cleared and everyone went back to their daily lives.

And so now the Akatsuki never accepted fan mail again. But, who said Aesir ever stopped sending them mail?


	3. The akatsuki go to the Mall

**Chapter 3- The Akatsuki visit the Mall**

A/N: Action figures, barbie dolls, and eye liner? What's not to like about the mall? Well, personally, I hate shopping. Really, I do. -.-' But I love visiting anime malls, and recently I went to the mall with my "twin" (who, by the way, returns in this chapter) and some of this, very vaguely, mirrors our visit to the mall. I mean, barely, I think the only thing in common is the fact that we went to the mall. Anyways, yes, Sasori is my favorite character (and Itachi my twin's) so of course I couldn't resist making fun of them, and adding "barbies" and "eye liner" to their shopping list. XD Enjoy! ^_^

**At the mall... With the Akatsuki... **

"Yaaayy! Shop! Tobi likes shopping!" Tobi cried enthusiastically, watching a 5-year-old child ride a mechanical pony. It went back and forth, rocking in place and Tobi's uncovered eye was round and sparkling with joy.

"Okay, we're here to get what we need and we'll all meet back here in a couple of hours." Pein said, he whipped out a large checklist, and began to run through it quietly.

"Right." The group responded, as they broke up and went their separate ways. Deidara was just walking away when he felt a hand pull his shoulder back. He looked behind him to see Pein staring him into the eyes.

"Oh and Deidara, please take good care of Tobi."

"What? I have to watch over... That guy 'un?" He whispered hoarsely, pointing at Tobi who was talking to a water fountain as he watched the water shoot up.

"Yup."

"But why me? Why can't you?"

"Everyone else is too busy and you're the one who said you'd probably be bored coming to the mall since you didn't like shopping."

A large sweat drop slipped behind Deidara's head as he remembered himself saying just that.

"Okay, split!" Pein yelled, sprinting away from Deidara.

Deidara looked to his side in disgust as Tobi practically crawled his way next to him. His eye was alight with joy and Deidara had to restrain himself from punching him.

"OH MY GOD! I HAVE MY OWN ACTION FIGURE!" Hidan shouted in amazement. He and Kazuku were at a little cart selling action figures from all over like Naruto, Sasuke and everyone else.

"AND I'M SO FREAKING SEXY!"

"Yes these little things are quite... Cute..." he said glancing at the price tags. "Although, I'd rather not pay for these."

"WHATEVER! I'd like to buy 100... No 200 of these please!"

A sweat drop slipped behind Kakuzu's head as he watched is insane partner practically buy the whole stand.

**Following Itachi... (Stalkers)**

Itachi was walking around the eye liner section of "Hot Topic".

"Yes! I found some eyeliner." He cheered silently and deposited the black eyeliner into his basket, and continued on in the store.

He looked at a mirror, thinking, _Hmm I wonder what it would look like if I used red eyeliner instead of my usual black eye liner for my eye bag thingies... _

"ITA- SAN! YOU'RE AT HOT TOPICS! I KNEW YOUR EYE BAG THINGIES WERE DRAWN ON!" cried a familiar voice. Itachi froze in place, recognizing who it was behind him.

_Crap.. It's that fan girl that made us do that stupid Christmas play. Anna? Amelia? Um... Aesir! Oh no.. Oh gods, please save me. _

Itachi dropped his basket, and sprinted out the door at full speed

"WAIT ITA- SAN I NEED YOUR AUTOGRAPH!" Aesir called after him, also running at full speed.

**Now following Sasori... Love...**

Sasori is looking around the barbie section, looking at all the barbies. _Hmm Iwonder which barbies would make good models for puppets... How durable are they? _

He grabbed a box looks at it, then shrugs and begins to pool them into his tiny cart.

**With Pain **

Pein was hanging out at Claire's getting more piercings of course, with many little girls staring at his piercings in awe.

"Wow mister... You sure have a lot of piercings!" remarked a little blonde girl. She sat comfortably in a small pink plastic chair with a Barbie magazine laid out in her lap.

"Yeah whatever..." Pein replied. He grabbed a black pair of rose earrings, and headed to the check out counter.

**Following Zetsu **

"Aww you're so cute." Zetsu cooed to a Venus fly plant. It blushed a dark green and turned away in embarrassment.

"I think I'll name you Zetsu the girl!" Zetsu's white side remarked happily. He grabbed it lovingly by the pot, and began to walk down the other aisles of the outside garden.

He passed a small orchard full of pink and red trees. "Ew... That Sakura looks like a monster!" Said the white half.

"Cherry blossoms... WAY too pink..." agreed the black half. He stuck his tongue out at the sakura tree, who had stuck its' middle branch at him.

**With Kisame **

Kisame was stupidly making fish faces with the little guppies floating in the tanks, half scared to death of the giant shark face staring hungrily at them.

"Mmm I'd really like some fish right now." Kisame muttered to himself, drool pouring out of his mouth like a waterfall.

He looked around to make sure no one was looking, then grabbed inside the tank to gobble up the goldfish.

"Yum... Time to look for some more food." He said happily, now eying a puffer fish who glared at him.

**And finally with Konan, Deidara and Tobi **

"Tobi likes shopping." Tobi said cheerfully, still speaking his third-person, out of this world language.

"We know 'un we know, you've told us that 50 million times," Deidara said impatiently, practically breathing fire.

These Akatsuki members were hanging out in the girl's clothes department, Konan looking for some robes and also for origami. Deidara was, also looking at a "strangely adorable" dress.

"Okay, well I'm going to go try on some things so you can go leave now." She said as she walked into a dressing room, happy to leave the other two who were still fighting.

_I'll just hide in here with origami until it's time to leave. _she thought, rubbing her temples. It had only been about 10 minutes and she was already ready to jump out of the nearest window.

"Crud... I'm alone with..." He gulped dramatically. "TOBI..." he hissed.

"Ohh Tobi likes these clothes." Tobi said cheerfully.

"Really 'un? Why don't you try them on... Yeah..."

"Okay!"

He went into a little girl's dressing room with a pink dress in his hands, then came out, a couple little girls also running and screaming out with him.

"Ta- da! Is Tobi pretty is Tobi pretty?"

Deidara began to snort, as he chocked out, "Y-yeah.. Un... You look great 'un"

"Okay let's buy it!" he said as he flounced off in his new dress.

Deidara was about to follow then decided, "Hey, Tobi's a pretty smart kid, he'll be able to find his way back to where the group will be meeting. Besides I'm not actually leaving him... not really he won't get lost."

And he walked the opposite direction to where the group would be meeting again leaving Tobi gawking at another mechanical ride for children.

Everyone was now together quietly sitting at a table, Itachi looking around wildly for his crazy fan girl, Sasori already taking apart Barbie's arms and legs and adding them to another puppet body. Zetsu was talking to about 20 plants, Kisame talking to his new pet shark, and Deidara snickered to himself, wondering where the hell Tobi was. Konan was playing with some more origami, Pein playing with yet another piercing, Hidan staring at his action figure as if it were the sexiest thing in the world and Kazuku staring at Hidan's receipt. His eyes were practically jumping out of their sockets with disgust at how much Hidan's new toys had cost... "Devil toys" he had told Hidan.

"Where' Tobi? We're about to leave but we can't until he's here. Deidara where did you leave him?" Pein suddenly asked, looking up from his new collection of piercings.

"Leave him 'un? I didn't leave him anywhere he wandered off on his own, yeah."

"Right, so where did he wander off we need to leave now the store's closing soon."

"Y-yeah we need to leave soon before she finds out where I'm hiding again." Itachi stuttered nervously, looking wildly around the area.

"I don't know 'un, so let's go."

He got up as the rest the group began to follow.

Pein sighed as he said aloud, "Oh well, Tobi always does manage to return, he'll return sooner or later, he always does."

And they left, while Tobi was still missing lost in the mall as it closed.

"ITA- SAN I FOUND YOU!" came a loud enthusiastic cry of relief.

"OH CRAP SHE FOUND ME!" he yelled, beginning to run into the sunset.

And he began running away again, Aesir following him... Yet again.


	4. Christmas with the Akatsuki

A/N: how we all love Christmas. XD I really wanted to use a chapter with the Akatsuki getting drunk and all, so I decided Christmas would be the best time to do it. XD Here we have some yaoi references, you know, a little ItachiXSasori stuff here and there, a sprinkle of Uchihacest (not really) and some Pein/NagatoXKonan stuff. And, some other crack pairings so, it's a real riot! XD I wish I could spend my Christmas with Sasori... Under the mistletoe... XD ha ha ha. jk jk.

**Christmas with the Akatsuki **

"YAYYY! CHRISTMAS!" Tobi shouted cheerfully. His large black eye sparkled as he began to wrap tinsel around himself.

"Oh shit it's that time of year?" Hidan cried, panicking. He had totally forgotten about Christmas. Hey, he's a Jashinist, what need does he have to remember a Christian holiday?

"Presents!" Pein yelled gleefully.

"Money!" Kakuzu grinned, "Money..." he murmured to himself again.

"Fireworks!" Deidara grabbed his best kits of fireworks and tried to decide which one to use.

"Eggnog!" Itachi sang. He remembered quite well his first time with eggnog. He remembered how he liked it, but the rest was a blur.

"Pocky?" Sasori asked.

"Wrapping paper to make origami!" Konan heaved a sigh as she glanced over at the beautiful paper used to wrap presents.

"Meat!" Kisame began to drool as he peered into the aquarium the Akatsuki had. They had nine fish, plus a dead one. Each fish had been named after a member of the Akatsuki, and the dead one used to be known as "Orochimaru" but now everyone just called him Guppie.

"Mistletoe!" sang Zetsu. The room grew silent at this, noticing the little green plant hanging above the doorway upstairs leading to their rooms.

"Dammit Zetsu, did you really have to hang that shit right over where everyone has to go?" Hidan asked angrily.

"Hmph, if you don't like it then go take it down." Zetsu said indignantly.

Hidan walked to it, but he couldn't reach it. He grabbed his scythe and tried to prod it, but it still hung tight.

"Need some help?" Zetsu grinned knowing that Hidan wouldn't ask for help because that would mean two people under the mistletoe. Pride would get the best of him.

"No." Hidan shrugged as he walked away.

The group went on celebrating Christmas, now opening the presents and ignoring the plant hanging from the ceiling. More to the point of forgetting about it entirely.

As for gifts, Itachi's highlight of the day was the eyeliner he received from Konan, (to look even more obvious and to protect the idea of his appearance from theft like than he already was). Sasori recieved many Barbies, Pein's gift from the group were sequined earrings and jewelry and such, also some "Bedazzler" from Tobi (which he explained cheerfully "So we could have a more sparkly and pretty Leader-Sama.") Deidara received a ballerina tutu (which he set aflame immediately), Kakuzu received fake money from a joke store, Hidan received a plastic knife (so he could pretend to cut himself, still look cool, and keep his fan girls), Tobi got a shojo manga, and Zetsu was bought "a mate" which was simply a lily. (Last time Zetsu had gone off on vacation and had left his pet Venus flytrap in the care of Tobi. When he returned he found out his huge mistake, finding a wilted venus trap, and an overly cheerful Tobi) and finally, Kisame began munching on his swedish fish.

"EGGNOG TIME!" Tobi cried cheerfully, grabbing from their refrigerator two large cartons of egg nog.

"Itachi you first 'un." Deidara grinned as he shoved a carton of eggnog into Itachi's hands.

"Whatever." Itachi replied monotonously as he grabbed the carton. Although he appeared calm on the outside, on the inside he was quite ecstatic to drink eggnog. It had been several years since he had been able to taste some, since the last few Christmases everyone "forgot" to buy it.

"CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUG!" Tobi called enthusiastically.

For several minutes after Itachi had gulped down half of the carton's drink, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his cloak and everyone was silent. Finally, without warning Itachi hiccuped and giggled, "PONIES!"

"Shit. He is now drunk.. on eggnog... crud... we forgot about that..." Hidan face palmed while Pein reminisced.

"Oh yeah..." he said monotonously. "I forgot about that. Now I remember why we never bought it all those Christmases... Hm... Who would've thought?"

"W00t! Is it hot in here or is it me?" Itachi said as he started unbuttoning his collar. Now that he was on eggnog, his normally low voice had risen several pitches, and now sounded like Tobi, only maybe a little lower.

"Oh God... I can't believe we forgot about this "little" detail..." Sasori said, also face palming.

"What problem? I feel..." Itachi hiccuped here, "Great..." He smiled in an insane manner as he wrapped an arm around Sasori, and draped on him like a rug.

"Get off me you idiot." Sasori said monotonously as he pushed Itachi off him. Itachi fell and giggled, Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Yay! Another friend like me!" Tobi cried enthusiastically. He sat down in seiza next to "his new friend" and he and Itachi then randomly began playing patty- cake.

"YaaaY!" they cheered. A large bead of sweat dropped behind Sasori's head.

"Sasori no Dana, why don't you join them 'un? Everyone else is already drunk too, yeah." Deidara laughed.

It was true, the rest were all lazing around, joining the patty- cake game with Tobi and the high Itachi. Deidara was already half drunk, handing Sasori the carton of eggnog. In their drunken states, Konan was making annoying origami birds that flew around the room and sang swears, Pein danced around like a belly-dancer and flirted with Konan. Hidan danced along with his leader, naked and cussing every swear he knew in between hiccups. The white half of Zetsu was crying for no apparent reason while the black side was swearing at a wall. Kazuku mumbled "dude" every so often in between hiccups, Deidara thought he was a girl and tried to steal Tobi's dress, and the eggnog had really no effect on Tobi since he's already pretty much drunk normally. The only difference now was that he was now suicidally annoying. Sasori sighed and rubbed his temples, he stared at the eggnog, rolls his eyes again, and chugs down the rest of the drink. Several minutes later Sasori is found wandering around head quarters pointing at items and stating the obvious such as, "Wow, I never knew tables and chairs had four legs!"

Sasori then walks up to Itachi and shouts, "OMFG! You have a face!"

Itachi, not understanding Sasori's words just asked, "Where's a fan girl when I need one?"

"OOOOHHHH" the other members gasped when Sasori and Itachi had just wandered under themistletoetoe, going upstairs to take naps. They looked at it, almost 100% sane now and they glared at each other.

"You now have to kiss because you're under the mistletoe!" although his words were constantly interrupted by hiccups, Deidara's message came out quite clearly to the drunk members.

"Awww Tobi wants a kiss Tobi wants a kiss!" Tobi whined.

Itachi and Sasori continued to glare at each other for a moment, then finally they shrugged their shoulders, leaned in and-


	5. The Akatsuki Vs the Bar

A/n: the newest addition to "Short Stories with the Akatsuki"! Really, it literally just came out like, a month or something ago. XD I had this idea when I was in Arizona with my cousin and aunt, my "twin" and i were texting each other and some how the idea of a "mangekyo sharingan repellent" came to mind. XD also, she brought up the fact that Sasori looks underage, and thought that he would be unable to get anywhere. Then came the idea of a bar. and somehow it worke its way up from there... XD enjoy~ ^_^

**The Akatsuki Vs. The Bar **

"Sorry kiddos, but you are all too young to enter here." said the guard monotonously, as the Akatsuki members tried to get in to the bar. It was a nice Friday night out, summer and it wasn't too hot and not too cold. Perfect weather for a little drinking, some gambling, and of course a visit to a strip mall or... Better yet. A strip club. Before reaching their destination, they wandered around aimlessly for several minutes, finally coming to a large building with a large and sparkly sign. Tobi had been a pain in the ass to Pein (no pun intended), saying that the place seemed trustworthy because of all the lights that sparkeled nicely in the night.

"Excuse me? But we're all over the age eighteen, other than Deidara who is eighteen. But he should still be qualified to get in!" Pein argued.

"No can do. The required age to get in is 20." the guard replied.

"Well, okay then. Later Deidara." Pain began walking when he smashed his face into the guard's chest.

"Dude? What is your problem?" Pein cried as he rubbed his face. The man's chest was like a boulder, and smashing your face into something that hard with several piercings in your face is not a good experience.

"My problem is that you all look underage." was the gruff reply.

"What? But I-"

"Security!"

Several ninja all clad in black appeared out of nowhere and grabbed each group member, as they began to rush or, more like skip away from the scene.

"Wait." the guard held up a hand and the ninjas stopped. He pointed at Kisame and Zetsu. "Take those two in. The tuna is our main course tonight, and the plant was ordered as decor a while ago."

Kisame's eyes grew wide as he yelled, "What? Wait, sirs, I'm a shark I'm not tuna!"

The men began to drag the two around the corner, most likely taking them through the back door, and into the kitchen. The rest of the group was then punted painfully twenty feet away from the club.

"Damn... We're gonna have to think up a plan as to how to save Kisame and Zetsu. Anyone got any bright ideas?" Pein asked annoyed.

"I think I do, wait here," piped up Sasori. He walked back towards the guard at the entrance.

"Sorry kid, you're too young to get in," The guard said, shoving Sasori back at first sight.

"Kid? Dude, I'm 35-years-old."

"Oh really?" The guard stretched out the word 'really' long and sarcastically. Doubt noticeably etched in his tone of voice. "You still look sixteen. Eighteen at the oldest, and you are too young to get in."

"But-"

"Okay old man. Show me some identification."

"Oh.. Um... Well... Uh... Heh... Just give me a sec to um... Look... For.. That..." Sasori began to search through his robes nervously when suddenly Itachi jumped from behind him and shouted, "Mangekyou Sharingan!"

The guard gasped as he shouted, "Secret ancient long forgotten anti-Mangekyou Sharingan repellent jutsu!" The man quickly pulled out a hand mirror and held it in front of Itachi.

"Ack! My eyes! My eyes! It burns! It burns!"

10 minutes later~~~~

"Okay... That ended... Quite sadly frankly..." Pein commented shaking his head and rubbing his temples.

"Sorry..." Itachi and Sasori muttered in unison. Tobi began taping band aids onto Itachi's eyes, and Itachi waved him away.

"So what now?"

"Perhaps we could try and buy him off?" Konan asked.

"NO! I'd rather Zetsu and Kisame SUFFER than PAY him!" Kakuzu piped up.

"Aww, now that wasn't very nice! Say you're sorry!" Pein ordered. Kakuzu was silent, and Pein then matched his silence knowing full well Kakuzu wouldn't apologize.

"What if we all turned into ducks, and then security take us to the kitchen and we save Kisame-san? Then we go save Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked innocently.

The group was silent.

"hm... That might work... MIGHT... Why don't we try it?" Pein asked thoughtfully.

"That's stupid 'un! Why can't I just blow the guy up, hm?" Deidara asked.

"Or we could torture himmm PAIN!" Hidan giggled mischievously.

"We could just steal his money and then kill him..." Kakuzu said aloud.

"... Let's just stick to Tobi- chan's idea..." Pein said, defeated.

"Fine... Henge no Jutsu!" the group yelled in unison.

"I feel Stupid..." Sasori said as the smoke disappeared. He began to preen his pink feathers.

"Idiotic." Itachi muttered, ruffling his feathers.

"Dumber than Tobi, yeah. If that's even possible I mean... Un."

"Hilarious!" Hidan cackled.

"Well, it's too late now, so let's go and save the team!" Pein asked hopefully.

The group waddled to the entrance, and began to quack as loud as they could. This caught the guard's attention as he called, "Security! We've got 8 ducks and a red thing that looks like a duck! "

Each group member thought, "Success!" as they were all carried away and into the kitchen. They were thrown into a large wooden crate together and began to wonder where their friend Kisame was when they looked to the center of the large white kitchen. They looked around until they saw their blue friend stripped of his cloak and rotating over a fire like a shishkabob.

"We must save Kisame as soon as possible!" Pein quacked to his feathered comrads.

"Ehrm... Well... I WOULD, if I didn't have to see his battery flashing around every so often." Konan said, looking away a dark red tinting her feathered cheeks. Hidan began cackling and the rest of the group snickered.

"Ehrm.. Well, yeah but... We must save him!" Pein said sternly, stamping a webbed foot.

"Yes sir!" Everyone called. "We'll try our best!" Deidara and Hidan began to gnaw at the wooden crate when Itachi just muttered, "you fools." he shouldered the two out of the way, opened his beak and spat out fire. Everyone began to "ooh" and 'aah" until they noticed that the flame was the size of a penny.

"Well that was lame un." Deidara snickered. Itachi hissed at him. "whoa whoa, 'un! I thought we were ducks! Not geese, yeah!" Pein sighed as he tried to face palm but failed when his wing couldn't reach his head. So instead he then nudged Tobi towards the bar, and kicked him in the rear. Tobi yelped, but his pitch was so high it cracked the wood, and the members were able to pry it open.

The group then began to sneak around behind the giant counter, and jumped off, landing on the polished marble floor when a strange half-squeak half-quack erupted from Hidan's beak.

"What's wrong?" Pein asked panicked, as Itachi and Sasori quickly clamped Hidan's beak shut, using their wings. They let go and Hidan hissed, "This fat ass is standing on my tail!"

Pein glanced behind him and small duck eyes widened whe they say a giant dog, a Great Pyreene to be precise, sitting on top of Hidan. It's body was white, however his ears were a light brown and so were his lips.

"Oh my-" Konan whispered hoarsely. "That's..."

"One big dog." Itachi finished. "It's practically the size of a dinosaur! I bet someone could ride that thing easily!"

Pein whispered, "Tobi! You and Deidara, start running for your lives!"

"Why?" Tobi asked innocently. "Are we playing tag?"

Deidara rolled his eyes and shouted, "You'll find out soon, yeah!" he kicked Tobi and started waddling as fast as he could. As soon as he saw movement the dog leaped of his feet and began chasing them.

"Waah! Tobi don't like this game any more!" Tobi cried.

"Thanks," Hidan muttered. "I thought I was a goner."

"You're wel-" Pein stopped in mid sentence as he caught a whiff of a strange smell. He leaned in closer to Hidan and gagged as he jumped back.

"What is it?" Hidan cried.

"Um... You... Smell, a lot." Pein replied, pressing his wings into his beak.

"Eh?" Hidan sniffed himself. "Ah shit! That damned dog!"

"Go wash off the smell somehow." Pein cringed.

"Yes sir!" Hidan mumbled. He waddled off.

"Kakuzu, you go with and make sure he stays safe."

Kakuzu sighed as he whined, "Do I have to?"

"Yes you do."

"Fine, but I expect a bonus this month in my paycheck!" he followed his homicidal partner.

Pein turned back to his remaining three partners, "Alright, men, let's-"

"Ahem." Konan cleared her throat.

Pein sighed, "and woman, let's go!"

They began to waddle off together and Pein muttered, "Stupid woman."

Together, they finally reached their blue friend and looked up at him. Konan turned her head again and Sasori and Itachi couldn't help but snicker.

"Stop laughing!" Pein yelled at them.

"Yes... Sir..." the two said in between bursts of laughter.

Pein shook his head in disapproval as he looked to the side and studied the stands holding his friend up. "Hey you!" he pointed to Sasori, "Come here and push me up."

Sasori waddled to him and grabbed Pein's webbed foot, then tried to push him up. "Oi, Itachi!" he grunted. Itachi joined them and pushed Pein's other foot up. Konan then began to heave Pein up from behind, using her back and pushing herself up. Pein then began to grabbed pole and little by little he inched his way up the metal pole. While he was climbing Sasori had wandered off a few feet away to check Pein's progress when a voice said gruffly, "Huh? A red duck? Must've gotten out somehow, ah well, I need a duck to cook right now anyways." Sasori squawked as a hand grabbed him by the feet and lifted him upside down.

"Guys! Help!" he squawked.

"I'm coming Sasori!" Itachi called back, but he tripped five feet away from his spot. Sasori was soon carried away and out of sight. "Uh-oh." Itachi muttered. "He's going to kill me when we get him back. Uh... I'll be right back Konan-Chan." Itachi got up and began to follow the cook that had dragged Sasori out.

"Hey. Konan! A little help here please." Pein whispered when he had reached the top. He looked down and saw that everyone else was gone. "Eh? where'd everyone go?" he squawked to himself. "Ah, damn them all!" he crawled to the ropes that bound Kisame's hands and began gnawing them off. Finally, Kisame dropped into the pot. He jumped out quickly, blue skin turning a light red. He grabbed his cloak, grabbed Pein the duck and then ran out of the kitchen door. He was finally free.

"Thanks leader-sama!" he cried. He tucked Pein under his arm and Pein heaved a huge sigh.

"Don't mention it." he muttered.

**Back with Deidara and Tobi **

"Waah! Tobi don't like this game anymore!" Tobi cried as he ran with his partner.

"Shut up and run, 'un!" Deidara yelled back. They ran past the swinging doors and entered the bar. They turned a corner, and finally ducked (also, no pun intended) under a table. They huffed and squawked quietly under the table cloth. They looked through it and saw the huge shadow of a dog, approaching closer and closer to their hiding spot.

"Uh-oh, we're done for 'un." Deidara the duck muttered. They could hear the snuffling noises as the dog tried to find their scents again. The dog stopped directly before the table where the pair were hiding. It grinned it's canine grin, nudged it's nose under the cloth, and began to lift it up.

Suddenly a male voice called, "Akamaru! Akamaru! Where are ya boy?" The dog flipped its head back, ears flicking as he heard his master call his name. He whimpered when a pair of feet joined him and said happily, "There you are boy. I've been looking all over for ya. What have you been doing here at Asuma-Sensei's bar?"

The dog whimpered again and Kiba laughed. "Well, oh well. Let's just go home boy." He patted the dog's head and lead him away. Deidara heaved a huge sigh and glanced at the other duck. "We're never coming back to this bar again, yeah." he said darkly.

Tobi giggled.

"Eh?" Deidara grabbed Tobi as he began to strangle him. "Giggle? WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING 'UN?"

**With Itachi and Sasori **

"Let me go!" Sasori quaked as the fat cook placed him on a cooking board. Earlier he had bound the duck with rope, and then sharpened his cutting knife. The cook began to hum to himself cheerfully. He obviously didn't understand duck. Sasori sighed painfully. _Well, I guess this is good bye world. It was nice knowing you in my 35 years of existence. _

"Sasori!" Itachi yelled.

"Itachi?"

Itachi pecked at the cook's ankles, forcing the cook to jump back in surprise and drop his knife. Itachi was just barely able to dodge the dropped knife, it's edge gently shaving off his tail feathers. Itachi payed no heed to it, flapped his wings furiously and flew up upon the counter. The cook regained his sanity and saw Itachi. "Oh!" he said cheerfully. "Another one!" he grabbed his knife and swung down onto the board. Itachi jumped to the side and the knife just barely missed Sasori.

"Watch where you swing that!" Sasori squawked, his life force waving above him.

as soon as Itachi jumped to the side he jumped upon the cooks arm, ran up it as quick as he could, flipped, and kicked the man straight in the face. The claws on his webbed feet lightly grazing the man's skin. "Aah!" the cook yelled in pain. He backed off and ran out of the kitchen, and straight into the men's room. Sasori cheered as Itachi floated back down and took a bow. Itachi nibbled the robe and set Sasori free. Then the two flew out of the kitchen window.

**Back at Akatsuki HQ **

"finally. We're done." Pein said warily. The group headed towards the main area where the group spent time together, when they walked in they spotted Konan sitting comfortably with a magazine in her hands and tea cooling beside her.

"Eh? Konan, when did you get here?"

"Oh, awhile ago. I got bored of running around as a duck, so I came back home."

"Wait, so you were here to whole rest of the time?"

"Yep."

Pein popped a vein as he said, "No. Friggin'. Way."

"Yes way."

"Then where the heck is hidan and Kakuzu?"

"I dunno." Konan replied, sipping her tea delicately.

He looked for guidance to the other members. Tobi danced around singing, "I dunno, I dunno", Deidara shook his head and said, "I don't know 'un, yeah." Itachi looked up pensively and Sasori shrugged carelessly. Kisame was up in his room bawling his eyes out for his embarrassment, so Pein didn't dare ask him. He looked at the flower pot in the corner of the room and said aloud, "Um... Has anyone seen Zetsu-san?"

**Back at the Bar **

""Ah, this is one swell hot tub." Hidan sighed contentedly, raising his wings and placing them behind his head comfortably. Kakuzu swam beside him and said,

"True, but... What's a jacuzzi doing in a kitchen?" he was even more confused when he saw a carrot and a few pieces of beef float around them.

They turned when they saw a cook wander in, red marks lining his face. He looked tired, but his face brightened considerably when he saw the ducks. "Ah! Good, some ducks!" suddenly realization dawned upon Kakuzu and Hidan.

"SHIIIIIIIIT!" Hidan screeched, as he and Kakuzu tried to make a run for it.

"Ah, ah, ah." said the cook, he grabbed them by their feet. "I've had enough runaway ducks for the night, you two aren't going anywhere.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**One week later **

"So um... Guys?" Pein asked the group. It was another Friday night and Kakuzu, Hidan, and Kisame were still recovering from their traumatic experiences. "I was wondering whether... for Friday nights... Well, I know this sound weird but... Maybe we could just sick with board games and sake?"

"Aye." replied the group warily.

And from then on, no one in the Akatsuki ever wanted to go to the bar again. But... Wait... what happened to Zetsu?

**Somewhere out there **

Although Zetsu was a little pissed that his group had forgotten him, he did enjoy the bright lights, loud music, and beautiful plants that were added to the flower section in the bar. "So uh... How long have you two known each other?" he asked two other pots of female flowers. They giggled and Zetsu blushed.

Yes, life was good for our potted friend.


End file.
